Perhaps

My tears fell and never seemed to run out. Everything spent, but somehow my eyes would not stop spilling out the broken pieces of me.

Everything in me ached to be out. Be free. Wind in my face, sun on my raw skin. Anywhere Lord but here.

The fresh air, she always heals. She never fails to bring calm with her. Always a part of my peace.

So, I walk. My feet heavy and slow. The wet on my cheeks constantly reminding me why I am here in the first place. Lest I forget this pain that holds me.

The view around me blurs over and over. Fuzzy lines of the road and trees ahead. I blink and wipe the tears away, clearing my vision.

But, they don’t stop; the haze keeps returning. My eyes just keep filling.

The shattering of my heart is unbearable. A searing pain that fills and crushes every part of me. Making it hard to breathe. In fact, I think I have forgotten how to.

It comes out of me before I even realize it.

“I don’t want to come near You.”

I say it over and over until my spirit breaks apart.

He hurts sometimes, this God of mine. He hurts so much. Life can hurt so much.

I don’t want to come near. Every time I do I am broken. Disappointment after disappointment rain down on my head and fill me so full it spills over- so many times I have lost count. Sometimes the thing your heart most desires simply doesn’t come. Sometimes there is never an answer. Sometimes forcing yourself to hope through continual setbacks is too heavy an endeavor. It breaks down every part of you until you aren’t sure what is left.

“I don’t want to come near You.” I repeat it over and over as I taste the salt of my own tears. Even they are bitter on my tongue.

Sometimes you are left with nothing but an empty room with you and the God who created you. Alone, bearing witness to one another. Stripped bare. Red eyes locked on one another. Anger and hurt burning out of you, and all you want to do is scream and hurl insults and questions at this God of the Universe. How does He sit silent? How does He allow you to keep holding on? For what? More heartache? More hard? More pain? More disappointment? More breaking of your bones?

“I don’t want to come near You.” I repeat it. Out of my mouth over and over until I am broken. Nothing left. All of me spent.

I breathe. Perhaps, in this I take the smallest step. I offer the deepest wounds. It is all I have left to give. A dismantled commune with the God I am lost with. Angry with. Confused by. Deep in my broken bones, I know that when it’s all done, He and I are the only ones that can do this dance. He is the only one willing to keep putting His hand out for me to grab on to; truly only He can pull me through the current to safety. I do not understand this God of mine in His never ending quiet, but I know I will look on Him one day and it will be my greatest undoing. The wars He and I have fought will finally be over, and maybe then and only then will He grant me rest. And I guess that has to be enough.

“For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or bringing them sorrow.” Lamentations 3: 31-33