Maybe one day I will tell my story. The story underneath the words. The ones that matter. Maybe I never will.
Maybe one day I will tell how my heart became so scarred and misshapen. How I painfully laid each brick to the wall that towers so high above her, the one that only a handful have been allowed in. Maybe one day I will tell the stories of why vulnerability is my greatest fear because every time I have allowed myself to that place I have been crushed into a million pieces.
Maybe one day I’ll tell of choice after choice I’ve had to make with my back against a wall. Choices I’ve made that dug my own grave and put Kalan completely to death, but each shovelful of dirt planting the life my babies needed. Likely not. These are mine to carry, not theirs.
Maybe one day I will tell the stories of the countless rooms I’ve walked into with a fragile human body laying in a hospital bed. The ones who look me deep in the eyes and break down crying. The ones whose families look at me with every single bit of despair a human can carry and ask me how to do this thing called ending a human life. Let go. Say goodbye.
Today, though, my stories stay locked inside, but I will say this: humans are frail; God is not.
I will tell you that I have walked a road that has cloaked me in the garment of grief, allowing me to meet you in yours. If we sat together over a cup of coffee my pain would meet yours and you would be safe to release it. I would catch it in my hands and treat it carefully.
I will tell you that I am grateful to have walked alongside so much death for in doing so I have learned so very much about life.
I will tell you that I truly believe it all boils down to one simple thing: love.
I will tell you that the people that crack your heart open to show you beauty and life that you never saw before, those are the ones you hold onto. The ones who see the gift that God made you to be and in doing so make you better. The ones who make you laugh- goodness with this one. The ones who challenge you, see you, fight for you, acknowledge your value and care for it. Those people. Don’t let go of them. They are so rare.
Maybe one day I will tell all the stories. For today, this is enough.