The exhaustion is deep. Bones ache with too heavy a load deep. Eyes sting with the watching over of all the things. All the time. Mind puddled in overload. Hands worn from the carrying, washing, typing, feeding, brushing, bathing, dressing, and on and on it goes. The mind. Again with the mind. Goodness, it is on all the time.
Bedtime comes, and the real battles begin. Toddlers don’t sleep, and children muse and thirst and void and the cycle of who can hold out the longest repeats. The list of to dos hangs over me like a cloud that won’t relent. The body wants sleep, needs sleep, but it is not allowed yet because tomorrow is only a few hours away and things have to be done.
This life sometimes is just heavy. It is exhausting. 2020 has worn me to my bones.
But. Deep breath, and the goodness of God. The goodness of God. The goodness of God.
As the lights finally flipped off and the prayers finished the other night, I sat on the bed with my daughter preparing to work long after they would be heavy in sleep. As soon as I settled down, I heard the voice of a little boy in the other room. “Mommy.” I wait for it. “I want to ask Jesus into my heart.”
Deep breath, and the goodness of God. The goodness of my God. The pure goodness.
He is so good. He is so faithful. He is so consistent. And I am not. I grow weary in the waiting. I grow faint in the battle. I question His quiet nature. I question His reasons. I question my choices. I question it all, and frustration gnaws in the waiting.
But then this little boy, this precious little boy, hears the voice of our beautiful Father calling quietly to him. This little boy sees the waiting hand of the One who created him. Feels the breath of the One who will never leave or forsake him. Who made him exactly who he needed to be.
I am suddenly more awake. I set my phone down. Aware that this conversation will matter for years to come. Prayer under my breath, God please. Your words, not mine. Goodness, don’t let me mess this up.
“Want to come sit with mommy for a minute, buddy?”
Covers thrown off, I immediately hear his bare feet hit the floor. His stained t-shirt, boxers, and never straight hair come my way with a timid grin that I know so perfectly. It’s all his, and I love it so well.
And my very heart stands right there before me, small framed and big souled, and I know this one prayer I have prayed since I felt this precious child inside me is being worked out. “God let them find you young. God let them know how much you love them. God let them walk in your plans for them.”
2020 can take all it wants. It can wreck me and try to steal my joy. This world can keep trying to take me out, but God is my refuge in times of trouble and my children are covered under the shadow of His wings.
And let’s be clear, this year has taken a lot. Goodness knows it has taken more brown hairs off my head. It has stolen peace. It has been a thief of time. It has taken money. It has hidden memories that would have been made with family. It has heaped out bucketfuls of division.
It has also saved a seat for my son in Heaven.
It has brought new memories. It has forged new relationships. It has revealed strength we didn’t know we had. It has made us realize our lack of control is safe in the God who controls it all.
And now, here I sit. I am heart opened wide, eyes wet with tears, under my lips praising God this morning. His mercy new. Every single morning. Because while I know my son is young, and while I know pain comes his way in this life, I know that what he did is all that matters. The seed planted and the voice of God speaking to him are the things he won’t be able to forget no matter the darkness that may come his way. God’s light is never hidden. Never. His children are never too far from Him to hear His voice. So God, let this seed blossom and grow. Let it take the deepest root, from the depths of his soul to the rest of the world. Let. It. Grow. Let it shine, and I’ll say it again. Let it shine out of his very being, radiant and lovely.
Rise up a new generation through seeds planted and rooted in 2020. Let none of this pain go to waste. Let the shaking reveal mountains that touch the sky.
The stirring of a new day begins, but oh, how it looks different. Because hours ago, angels rejoiced over a small boy. God smiled on his son and his tired momma, and the smile on that little boy’s face when He talked about how his life was new is really the only thing that matters in the whole world. His countenance changed, a light shining through him, an unlocking of the greatest treasure.
The words thank you really are never enough.
“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine.”