“But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing His songs.” Psalms 42: 8
Can we chat a moment?
Can we sit and drink coffee (because coffee makes everything better)?
Can we please be in pajamas because that is the most perfect wardrobe that ever existed?
This might get a bit messy, and I have a feeling it will not be as refined as it should be. But, we are in pajamas drinking coffee, so it’s allowed.
I found Jesus when I was 10. I mean found Him. Heard of Him before that moment? Definitely yes (church kid in Alabama-all of us had), but we formally met at 10.
“Hi, sweet child, I’m Jesus. Yes, it’s me.”
“Hi,” very timidly I said. “Nice to meet you. I think I like you, and I need you.”
I didn’t fully understand it, but at that moment, I grabbed ever so lightly onto one (yes, just one) of His fingers. He pulled me over the years; He quietly led. He was a thing, a figure, scattered moments, a social life with youth group. The rule follower I naturally am, He was a conviction to not do the things most teenagers were doing, and let me just say I am so grateful for that. He was my foundation, but I only saw the surface. Nonetheless, He was my God, and I knew it. The depth of our relationship had not fully started, but He was building something all the same.
Then this moment happened, and I faced real-life-walking-out-the-hard-choices with Christ for the first time in my very sheltered life. I couldn’t even see it at the time, but it was probably my first true nudging from the Spirit, apart from when we officially met. I shook my head a few times. I internal monologued a lot- not once allowing the words to come out. I ignored. Eventually, I talked myself around His Truth sitting right inside of me.
I failed, but God didn’t. He can’t.
That choice led to who I am today. It led to the most painful, gut wrenching moments of my life. It also led to my most beautiful, just like He knew it would all along.
Redemption. It is a powerful thing.
So now. Sweet, struggling (hint, that’s all of us) people, let’s talk. Let me just tell you of this God I know so much better now. The one who gracefully met me as a child of 10, He is fierce. He is gentle. He is loyal. He is just. He is roaring thunder from the clouds that cover the earth. He is sweet rain when you can’t go one more step. He is what lights up the room when the darkness is all you see and you are fumbling blind for the way out. He is there always, whether you acknowledge His presence or not. Never leaving. Never forsaking. Never giving up because of our humanness. Never tiring of your tears. A broken and contrite spirit is the song in His lungs.
The God I have gotten to know? My goodness, He deserves all of me. He has taken me from an innocent child who recognized a need for Him to a scarred but strong, beautiful daughter of the King. I owe Him everything, and some of you won’t like that statement. Keep walking with Him. The more you experience His love for you, the more humbled you are before His cross.
I have learned through very, very hard, sometimes never letting up, seasons, that there really is nowhere else to run but into His arms. There really isn’t. I have learned this through so many failures and through so many teachings. Through experience, I know that His grace is never ending for those of us who like to take matters into our own hands and then find we have once again failed Him. I have never found His arms lacking. I have never once found His back turned.
I don’t know who needs this. I just know my journey with Him has seemed too much some days. I have left Him, doubted Him, cried out to Him, fought the battles both with Him and against Him. Every time-every single time- I fight until I am spent, I look up to see a beautiful Father looking down on me. Waiting. Holding me. Walking steady with me. Teaching me. Changing me. And every time that happens, there is a shifting and molding into true, freeing dependence. Trust in Him affirmed. The doubt for his goodness is splintered further. The desire to run is ebbed, because the hard lessons teach us that the pain in running is never worth it.
I don’t exactly know what I’m trying to say other than life is hard. Mine has been easier than some for sure, but I can also guarantee it has been harder than a lot too. Hard days are here now, and don’t we all feel it? Hard days are still to come. Trusting in God even when You know His goodness can still be just as hard.
This morning, I landed on Psalms 42: 8, and like a fall taking your breath, His word hit me.
Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love on me. And through the night I sing His songs.
Every day, God. Every day he pours out His love. It is not hidden. It is not coming back next week. It is not on a 2020 hiatus. “See ya’ll next year when you get this mess figured out.” Nope. Not even close to that. Today, His love is here for you. Each and EVERY day He POURS out His love. Not sprinkles a bit here and there. Pours. Let that settle on you like soft dew.
And through the night I sing His songs. The night of an earth shattering pandemic. The night of financial insecurity. The night of relationships that wear your ever loving being down. The night of a job situation that will not ever seem to work itself out. The night of grief, bone deep fatigue, heavy stress. The night of haunting traumas we have lived through. Temptations, failures. Arrows, bullets, words, weapons coming our way. The many, many different nights that we face. Even then, God. I will still sing His beautiful, never off key, perfectly harmonious song. The song of a God I would choose over and over. The God I now gladly grasp all ten fingers of with all my might.
Whew. Good chat, no? My coffee is cold now, and the trustworthy microwave is waiting.