Dreams

I sat the other day mindlessly scrolling. I stopped on a beautiful home accompanied by a description of God’s faithfulness in answering all the prayers of this woman’s little girl heart. How God was so faithful to answer her desires. How she got exactly what she had prayed for.

I wish all I felt was happiness for her. I do. But that would be a lie.

Because one day many years ago, I was a little girl who sat daydreaming also.

I dreamed up the most beautiful house, and one day I bought it. But, I slept under the roof of that beautiful house with a sick feeling most nights. And one day, I brought boxes into that beautiful house, and I packed it all up. I closed the door, left the key in the realtor’s office, and never stepped foot in it again.

A wanderer and dreamer by nature, I dreamed also of trips that yes, long ago I took, but very well may never be possible again.

I worked so hard building a career that made me so incredibly proud, but one day I finished a stretch of 13 hour shifts, walked out of the door of an iconic hospital, and left it behind.

I imagined scenes and scenarios that have dissipated into the what might have been.

I tried, God knows I tried.

And in the trying I was nearly broken. Maybe I was broken.

But the woman in me now knows what the little girl did not. Moving forward in brokenness is beautiful like no other thing.

That little girl didn’t know the full, immeasurable value of truth, but I do. I know the worth of solidness and the blessing of sanctuary. I know the gift and rarity of integrity and true wisdom. I know that for those of us whose dreams have not come to fruition, or like me, they were altogether shattered, God is still good. I know that He is still worth trusting. I know that I now find comfort in His blessings, even if they aren’t what I imagined they would be. I know that the laughter of my children holds more value than any home, career, car, or dream ever can. I know that as a little girl I couldn’t dream the life I have now because I didn’t know it was the one I needed. I know that even in the seemingly unanswered prayers, He is still faithful, and I trust Him. And that has to be enough.

“For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for Him!” Isaiah 64:4

~Kalan